Back to The Blog
Obviously there has been a big break in my posting here. There are a lot of reasons, but the biggest one is basic embarrassment. I have been asking myself: do I need a public record of all my ups and downs? Am I actually contributing something valuable to the internet or is my blog just a symptom of the narcissism of my generation? Am I doing this for myself, or so that other people can see how awesome my life is and how great I am for keeping a regularly updated blog? How can I live with myself when I spend hours working on a post and it only gets one comment?
I am currently going to a fantastic therapist. For the first time it dawned on me that I have really high standards for myself. I didn't think I did have high standards for myself anymore because since undergrad, and to an extent my mission, my performance in the areas of my life that "count" have been mediocre. But I do still have high standards for myself as a mother, for example, just not in some areas. I sent Summer to school the other day with gum in her hair. I let the kids fool around on Apple products more than the Surgeon General recommends. I scream at them when I have had too much. I drag them to Costco with old food crusted on their faces.
But I realized that my embarrassment at my failures in these areas is mostly based on what others will think. It's not based on the standards I have set for myself in the areas I believe are most important. And when I chastise myself for these things, I never do it in context of all the things I do well. I am working on stopping that and realizing that when I make a mistake in these things, it's because I just have different priorities than other parents (and definitely people who aren't parents).
So the same goes for this blog. People are might judge it as self-centered, lacking in visuals, too personal, too intellectual, too boring, too sporadic, etc. But if it's something I'm proud of, then that's all that matters.
So I'm back. For now at least.
