Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Pants that Stole Christmas

Pathetic. Not truly converted. Stupid. Misguided. Silly. Selfish. Dumb. Dramatic. Lesbian. Man hater. Bored wife. Apostate. Ugly. Naive. Wolf in sheep’s clothing. Rediculous [sic].

Get a life. Get some self-confidence.  Find something better to do with your time. You just don’t understand. Humble yourself. Have some respect for the Lord. This is a non-issue. If you don’t like the church, just leave. You’re just trying to get attention. You don’t get it at all. May God forgive you. You are NOT my sister. I feel so bad for you.

You choose to be offended. Don’t let others dictate how you feel. If you interpret my statements as rude, that is your fault. You brought it upon yourself.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.


"Is this it?" the woman behind the counter asked. "Is this what you bought?"

I stared at the box with black and white pictures of a small toy wagon, some stacking blocks, and other toys.

"Um, I don't know. I think so."

Everyone working behind the counter of the Walmart site-to-store counter laughed at me. "You don't know if this is what you bought? No more shopping for you!" they said.

I smiled, embarrassed, and hoisted the large box into my cart. The toy didn't seem at all familiar, but it had my name on the box and that was enough for me.

"You know," I said to Nathaniel as we drove away, "I think I got a really good deal on that. It looks like a ton of toys!"

"So how much was it?" Nathaniel asked.

"Ten, maybe fifteen dollars? I'm not sure."

"And how much was it regularly?"

"A lot, I'm guessing. I don't know exactly. I read on some blog that Walmart was having a really good sale on this toy so I bought it."

Nathaniel gave me a funny look and started laughing. "Sold!" he said, "To me! For whatever price is the lowest! And please send it to some random Walmart that is thirty minutes away from where I live!"

I laughed as we got back on the freeway and headed home. This kind of thing happened a lot this month. Nathaniel did all the tree trimming. The ingredients for the ginger cookies and the olive oil crackers I usually make at Christmas are still unused in the cupboards. I never got around to wrapping some presents, and none were labeled. The neighbors got nothing from us.

I blame PANTS. Well, more accurately, I suppose I should blame my reaction to PANTS. I guess I just wasn't prepared. I thought the whole affair was just going to be a funny inside joke among Mormon Feminists, but it turned into the War in Heaven part II--and apparently I was on Satan's side! Of course, the temporary despondency I felt was no one's fault but my own. Lesson learned!

So Christmas is over (and a very lovely Christmas it was, by the way, my neglect notwithstanding). Hopefully I'll make a better effort next year. However, Valentine's Day is coming up! And I am DETERMINED, War in Heaven part III or no, to have one amazing Valentine's Day. Summer will have some amazingly cute, hopefully homemade, Valentine's to share with her preschool classmates. Heart-shaped sugar cookies will be decorated. Paper hearts will be displayed on the window and hung from the ceiling. Nathaniel and I might even go out on a date, with no kids (probably not though). And even if I somehow wind up on the wrong side of another holy war, I'll just remind myself that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. And I'll go back to my royal icing.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Card

Dear Family and Friends,

Season’s greetings! One of the best things about the holiday season is the chance it gives us to connect with our family and friends. We are so glad that despite the miles and the passing years we can still bond through Christmas letters.

Nathaniel graduated from law school and started working as a law clerk, but his proudest achievement of 2012 is learning how to sleep without his iPhone. It took a while, but on November 18, 2012, the electronic device and sometimes best friend remained on the nightstand the entire night. We are all so proud of him. He still enjoys figuring out obscure functions on Word and Excel and does P90X once every few months!

Dorothy continues her adventure as a stay-at-home mom, and is particularly good at the staying-at-home-and-wearing-no-makeup part. Did you know that she went to law school? She has that conversation starter so she doesn’t feel compelled to start other hobbies, though Pinterest has inspired her to step foot in a craft store for the first time in her life.  Anticipate a low-quality Instagram/Facebook picture of a yet-to-be determined craft in the near future.

Summer started preschool and can already write her name: Summɘϕ. When asked what her favorite part of last year was, she will be very upset if you suggest something besides “the Provo house.” Therefore, we have decided to tell her that instead of moving to DC next year, we are going back to Provo. Please play along. For those who wondered, she remains sweet as ever. 

Henry probably has the best accomplishment this year: being born. Since then, he has stolen the heart of everyone to meet him. He is still trying to figure out how to get everything in sight into his mouth, and at his rate we suspect he will reach his goal in the next few weeks. 

What a wonderful year it has been for the Ward family! We hope you and your family are enjoying the Merriest of Christmases! Best wishes for 2013. 


Friday, December 7, 2012


I'm sick. My throat really hurts, so eating and drinking are seriously no fun. And I'm nursing. And I learned when I went to the hospital yesterday that that's a really bad combination, because you can get low blood sugar and dehydration. And did you know that both of those things can impair cognitive function? Ask me what 6+7 is. I DON'T KNOW!

Also, did you know that one symptom of dehydration is an elevated heart rate, because you have less blood to pump because blood is primarily water? So I downloaded a heart rate app (free!) and whenever it gets to 100 I do my best to pump myself full of apple juice. I feel so proud of myself for getting such good use out of my iPhone.

So basically I'm going around right now with a high heart rate and sub-par cognitive function. And for some reason this gives me the giggles. I have no idea whether or not this is a good blog post, (but if I had to guess I'd guess no) but it all seems so funny to me I can't help myself.

I've been sick for a few days, and luckily Nathaniel is caught-up at work and has been able to stay home and take care of me. And his mom was kind enough to take Summer for the past few days. What a bummer that I'm sick, because otherwise it would have been a giant party with just the two of us and a low-key baby. But we did watch a movie last night! MIB III. Yeah, we're intellectual high-brows over here. My favorite line: "Mommy, the president is drinking my chocolate milk." We need more movies with Will Smith, I say.

Another downside of being sick is that laying in bed and chatting over Facebook seems like such a better option than doing all the stuff you should be doing, like wrapping your kids' Christmas presents. Summer is coming home today and her presents are sitting unwrapped under the tree (which has lights on the bottom third of it). Hopefully I can muster the energy to hide them before she gets home.

Oh Christmas. What a lovely time of year. Whenever I start listening to Christmas music I wonder why I don't listen to it more often. Thank goodness for Pandora and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.