The Pants that Stole Christmas

Pathetic. Not truly converted. Stupid. Misguided. Silly. Selfish. Dumb. Dramatic. Lesbian. Man hater. Bored wife. Apostate. Ugly. Naive. Wolf in sheep’s clothing. Rediculous [sic].

Get a life. Get some self-confidence.  Find something better to do with your time. You just don’t understand. Humble yourself. Have some respect for the Lord. This is a non-issue. If you don’t like the church, just leave. You’re just trying to get attention. You don’t get it at all. May God forgive you. You are NOT my sister. I feel so bad for you.

You choose to be offended. Don’t let others dictate how you feel. If you interpret my statements as rude, that is your fault. You brought it upon yourself.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

*****

"Is this it?" the woman behind the counter asked. "Is this what you bought?"

I stared at the box with black and white pictures of a small toy wagon, some stacking blocks, and other toys.

"Um, I don't know. I think so."

Everyone working behind the counter of the Walmart site-to-store counter laughed at me. "You don't know if this is what you bought? No more shopping for you!" they said.

I smiled, embarrassed, and hoisted the large box into my cart. The toy didn't seem at all familiar, but it had my name on the box and that was enough for me.

"You know," I said to Nathaniel as we drove away, "I think I got a really good deal on that. It looks like a ton of toys!"

"So how much was it?" Nathaniel asked.

"Ten, maybe fifteen dollars? I'm not sure."

"And how much was it regularly?"

"A lot, I'm guessing. I don't know exactly. I read on some blog that Walmart was having a really good sale on this toy so I bought it."

Nathaniel gave me a funny look and started laughing. "Sold!" he said, "To me! For whatever price is the lowest! And please send it to some random Walmart that is thirty minutes away from where I live!"

I laughed as we got back on the freeway and headed home. This kind of thing happened a lot this month. Nathaniel did all the tree trimming. The ingredients for the ginger cookies and the olive oil crackers I usually make at Christmas are still unused in the cupboards. I never got around to wrapping some presents, and none were labeled. The neighbors got nothing from us.

I blame PANTS. Well, more accurately, I suppose I should blame my reaction to PANTS. I guess I just wasn't prepared. I thought the whole affair was just going to be a funny inside joke among Mormon Feminists, but it turned into the War in Heaven part II--and apparently I was on Satan's side! Of course, the temporary despondency I felt was no one's fault but my own. Lesson learned!

So Christmas is over (and a very lovely Christmas it was, by the way, my neglect notwithstanding). Hopefully I'll make a better effort next year. However, Valentine's Day is coming up! And I am DETERMINED, War in Heaven part III or no, to have one amazing Valentine's Day. Summer will have some amazingly cute, hopefully homemade, Valentine's to share with her preschool classmates. Heart-shaped sugar cookies will be decorated. Paper hearts will be displayed on the window and hung from the ceiling. Nathaniel and I might even go out on a date, with no kids (probably not though). And even if I somehow wind up on the wrong side of another holy war, I'll just remind myself that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. And I'll go back to my royal icing.