Just Breathe

Today was bad. Very bad. I had big plans to put off my work project and head to the store for some parchment paper, because I really wanted to make graham crackers and I needed parchment to do it. I planned to read my scriptures when Summer was taking her morning nap and then take off as soon as she woke up.

It didn’t work. Summer decided that rather than sleeping, she would just whine and cry and fuss in an exhausted, serotonin-fueled state. All day long. Thrice I attempted to let her cry herself to sleep in her crib, and thrice I failed.

What did this mean for me? No getting parchment paper. No earning money. No taking lunch to Nathaniel. Nothing but attempting to placate my child for hours on end in a 10 x 12 living room. And two and a half long hours of listening to my beloved child scream her head off.

If you haven't had the experience of listening to a baby cry for multiple hours in one day, I sincerely hope you never do.

As I lay on my bed, listening to Summer's cries, I wanted to sink into the mattress pad. I wanted to become the foam – no ears, no emotions, no screaming babies.

On days like today, I have to tell myself to just breathe. I have to tell myself that it’s okay to me frustrated and mad. It’s okay to feel inadequate and long for another life. Sometimes, things happen that make the life of foam look enviable, things that make you wish that you could check out of motherhood just for the day. But you can’t. And you wouldn’t, even if you could, because these days don’t last long, and really, life is actually amazing.