Friday, April 2, 2010

Well, Crap

For six months I've been looking forward to my mission reunion, only to realize that I missed it. I thought it was tomorrow. It was tonight.

I wanted so badly to go. I wanted so badly to connect with amazing people I met on my mission. I wanted a break from my present routine.

Life as a mom is nothing if not a roller coaster. Some days I think I'm the luckiest person in the world because I get to stay home with my little Summer. Other days, I just think of ways that I can get out of my present situation.

I remember so well reading a talk that was maybe from General Conference. It was some time ago, and I can't find the text, so we'll just have to go with my hazy memory here. Whoever was speaking at General Conference met some young mothers in the park. They all had at least a bachelor's degree and maybe some had more education. She asked them how it was that they were able to turn their backs on careers be so happy being mothers. The response? "We know who we are and we know our purpose."

I always thought of this tableau when I contemplated motherhood. I thought I would just talk with my friends outside on a blanket while our babies played sweetly and the sun shined warmly. It seemed much better than working eight hour days in an office where people who don't really care about you order you around.

But that quaint scene is not my reality. Summer has been sick for three weeks now and so, even if I had a group of friends who basked outside in the sun with their babies, and even if Utah got basking appropriate weather, I couldn't go. And what did I think these women were talking about anyway? Sorry, but I can only talk about diapers and coupons and dinners that involve cream of condensed soups for so long before I go crazy.

Sorry if that was mean. But I have had such a hard time connecting with people since I've had a baby. I feel lonely. When you're working in an office, you work with other people. I'm a social person and I'm sure that even if I didn't like work, I'd get the social interaction I need. It's hard with a husband who is gone all the time and a little baby who demands most of your time and attention.

I understand that Nathaniel needs to be gone. We have a frightening amount of student loan debt that needs to be paid off and the legal market is tough. So I basically want him to be away from 7 in the morning to nine at night. I want him to get great grades so we don't have to declare bankruptcy.

So as Nathaniel is gone, I hang out with Summer. I meet our basic needs. I feel like I just survive.

It's so easy to isolate myself. It's so easy to fill my days with stroller rides and patty-cake and feedings and grocery shopping and a little facebook and some blogs here and there. It's so easy to pass weeks and barely speak to another soul aside from Summer and Nathaniel. It gets easier when, in the course of interacting with someone, I realize that my social skills have atrophied along with my belly-dancing muscles and I am now one of the more awkward people I know.

I do have friends, some of whom are mothers, and for that I am grateful. I actually have a basking friend who is really cool. I just need to take the initiative more. I know. And I know this post underestimates mommy groups. I'm probably just too cynical and proud and I haven't tried hard enough to make more friends. I probably just need to figure out who I am and what my purpose is.

6 comments:

Lexi April 2, 2010 at 10:57 PM  

Been there. Felt that.

Oh wait, I still do. Motherhood is HARD. Hard, hard, hard. I constantly remind myself of my belief in the divinity of motherhood and how important it is in the grand scheme of things.

That being said, I'm still human and still want very selfish things like, oh, 5 minutes to myself to relax, to go to the bathroom in privacy, and to have someone make dinner for me every night.

Being a psychologist's daughter, I believe we shouldn't gloss over bad feelings. Sure, we shouldn't focus solely on them, but these are valid feelings we mothers have! Sometimes it's nice to just vent. You've got a lot of "online basking" support, even if it isn't as good as getting a tan and talking about poopy diapers.

gurrbonzo April 3, 2010 at 6:58 AM  

I like you.

a) Sorry about the mission reunion!

b) You can do it. Like everything in life (missions included), stay-at-home parenthood has times when it rocks and times when it sucks and times in between. I hear you about isolation and it being hard to make normal mom friends. I am developing a theory about this (and hope to blog about it shortly) and how we aren't just parents, we're PEOPLE, but sometimes we view other people in our situation only as moms, so we talk to them one mom to another and not one person to another. Which is why it can be hard to talk about something besides coupons and you end up wanting to bang your head into the wall. I realize this explanation doesn't make sense. What I'm saying is you can do it and it will get better.

Amy April 3, 2010 at 7:58 AM  

Yeah, that stinks that you missed your mission reunion. And that Summer has been sick for three weeks.

So, as a non-mother I can only relate so much to this post, though I certainly think I can understand. But then I started thinking about what you were saying and then I saw Kathleen's comment about being people, and then I started realizing that I have been having many of these same feelings.

See, instead of being expected to go bask on blankets and discuss homemaking, as a new lawyer all the other new lawyers talk about is being a new lawyer - "what are your projects like?", "what case are you on?," "what motion are you working on?" - and I feel so one-dimensional. I hate feeling one-dimensional.

And all the other lawyers act shocked and flabbergasted and almost a little worried about you if you admit that at night you go home and read a book for pleasure, or go to the beach, or bake a cake from scratch. Because if we have time to do any of those things (or admit that we have the time), then we aren't working hard enough or being thorough enough on the work we have.

So I end up wishing for a change of pace - a break from the routine and monotony of one-dimensional conversation. So I think that just maybe I can relate to what you are going through.

Kami April 3, 2010 at 3:26 PM  

I sometimes feel as if I have no friends outside of my family and work. Just hang in there. I think your a great mom! It is true that being a mom isn't easy, but it is the greatest calling ever! Sorry about your reunion! Love ya.

Tess April 4, 2010 at 4:50 PM  

I didn't make it to the reunion either. :( I enjoy your honesty about this topic. It's one of those things that I know I won't totally understand those feelings until I become a stay-at-home mom, but right now I definitely idolize your role in life right now. Perspective can be quite the double-edged sword. So I appreciate the reminder that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but at the same time, you still make me want to come over to that side. :)

SGubler April 6, 2010 at 10:23 AM  

This was a refreshingly honest post (not different from all of your very candid posts, but different from standard blogging fare, in my opinion). Thank you.

It was great to talk to you yesterday. And if this damned Provo winter ever draws to a close, I will bask on the grass with you anytime. And I assure you I will never once mention coupons or diapers.

You are a good mom. And an insightful person. I like it. See you Sunday.