Our Story, Part 2: Super Embarrassing

Feel free not to read this part. This is the part about the Ex. And the part where I explain why I was cuddling with another guy when Nathaniel asked me out. The next part is so much better. And just so you remember that our story has a happy ending, here is a wedding pic:

“What am I doing?” I asked myself as I clicked through pictures. The internet made it so much more difficult to break up with someone. I knew I wasn’t doing myself any favors by looking at my ex-fiancee’s myspace pictures, but I wanted so badly to know what was going on with his life. Besides, I wasn’t dating anyone, and I was pretty sure that we would get back together someday. We broke up because he had some issues that he needed to straighten out; once that was over, we’d live out our happily ever after. I was convinced that we were meant for each other. I was convinced that it was my life’s challenge to be married to someone completely wrong for me.

I hated myself for it, but I was concerned about a certain girl in my ex-fiancee’s life. I didn’t want to care, but I did. She was in his band, she was cute, and they had an inordinate amount of comments on each other’s myspace pages. If something was up, I had to know.

I came across a picture of them both on her myspace page. It was a close-up, but it looked like she was sitting on my ex’s lap. I looked at the comments. My heart sank. My greatest fear turned into reality. “You guys will have the cutest kids!” one exuberant commenter had written.

My ex was dating someone. I was crushed. I felt betrayed. Sure, I was dating other guys. My therapist had instructed me to do so. “Become a serial dater,” he said. And that’s what I was doing. But I wasn’t getting involved.

I learned more about the girl that had taken my spot. I quickly found all her faults. She took pictures of herself in her underwear and posted them online. She wasn’t going to school. Most insulting of all, she was nineteen. This blonde inactive attention seeker was the new girl in my ex’s life? If he went for her, what did that say about me?

I lie on the bed and cried. I cried for an embarrassing amount of time. I felt like my soul was being sucked away. Everything I knew about myself seemed to have changed. I was so sure that we would work out. I had never been more sure about anything. And I was wrong. I was wrong about something else, too. I thought I was over him. I thought I had gotten over him a dozen times before and I was through. But here I was, completely distraught because of a comment on a myspace picture. I had issues.

After long sessions of crying, talking to Noelle, and eating chocolate ice cream, I realized that I needed to get over myself. I wasn’t going to be pathetic and delude myself into thinking that things would somehow work out with a guy who had a freaking girlfriend. I was going to cut the strings completely. I was going to get over him for the last time.

The next day a friend of mine, Greg, came over and asked what was wrong.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yep.” I liked that he was honest, but I think I would have liked it more if he had lied.

“I’m sad because my ex-fiancé is dating this girl who is a total loser but she’s really cute and fun sounding and it makes me jealous that he hangs out with her and not me. And I’m totally pathetic for caring.”

Greg gave me a friendly, “I totally understand and take pity on you” look and gave me a big hug. He then sat me down on the couch, put a blanket over us, picked up the ward directory and told me to look through it to find a guy that I wanted to go out with. He was kind enough to assure me that none would refuse. It was ridiculous, sitting under a blanket, basically cuddling with Greg, looking though pictures of guys who go to our church and telling him which ones I thought were cute. But it felt good, so I went with it.

My phone rang and it was a number that I didn’t recognize. It looked like one of those numbers of people who are trying to sell you something like life insurance or burial plots.

“Should I get it?” I asked Greg.

“Sure,” he replied with a grin. “It could be a guy asking you out on a date.”

I wanted to prove him wrong, so I answered it.

“Is Dorothy there?” asked the voice on the other line.

It was Nathaniel.

"Do you know who this is?" Nathaniel asked.

"Of course I do."

I gave Greg a confused look. He quickly flipped through the ward directory so I could figure out who this Nathaniel person was. Ah-ha! Russian literature guy. Sure, I’d go out with him. I’d give anyone a chance.

When Greg left, I looked at the calendar. The coming Saturday, the day I was to go out with Nathaniel, was May 5^th. May 5^th was the day I was going to get married. I went to my room, plopped myself on my bed, and cried.

Uh, I'm glad that's over.